Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
