I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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