I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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