I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
