He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
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So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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