Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
