I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
