just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
