Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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