he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
