You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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