I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
