My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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