I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
