I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
