It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
