Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
