gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
