I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
