can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
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Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
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He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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