everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
