im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
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You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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