Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
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Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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