He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
