If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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