I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
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It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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