Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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