he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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