I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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