The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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