I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
