WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
