People in love make me want to vomit
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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