sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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