I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
