you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Blow job season was short but glorious.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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