Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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