The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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