I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
