Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
