JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
