Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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