I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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