Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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