Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
