Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
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I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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