i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
