yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
