Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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