i was born a porn star she said
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
