I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
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I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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