yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
