Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
