i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
