I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
my poor anus
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
