i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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