he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
